Brown Sludge

St. Louis Drivers Ed - 2

December 21st, 2006

I got a lot of mail about my last St. Louis Drivers Ed post - (both hostile and appreciative).

The hostile mail kind of made me laugh.

I think it’s safe to say that a great deal of the hostile mail came from “St. Louis Drivers”.

You know these people.

These people are the people that HAVE to do 75 miles an hour or they… will… DIE.

On a clear sunny day - 75 mph - regardless of traffic conditions. Wide open lanes - 75 mph. Bumper to bumper rush hour crush - 75 mph. 8 inches of snow on top of an inch of ice - 75 mph. It’s as if they fancy themselves in the movie “Speed” - and they truly believe that if they’re speedometer drops below the 75 mph mark - they’ll explode.

These morons are why St. Louis drivers are world renowned for their idiocy.

In other cities people slow down in heavy traffic or poor road conditions.

Not here.  Rain or snow or rush hour crush - there is always going to be some ass-scratcher who is going to insist on 75 mph or die.

UNTIL…

There is a road side accident.

Then… due to some law of physics that mankind may never understand - the St. Louis Driver can’t seem to do over 15 mph.

It’s always the same scenario.

You’re cruising down the highway when all of a sudden traffic - which had been flowing normally - comes to a complete standstill.

You look up the road and the trail of brake lights march off into infinity like so many bright red ants.

Inch by inch you crawl along. Long minutes, perhaps hours later - you see the source of the backup.

It’s not the original accident. The original accident is obviously really old by now - and has long since been cleared off the highway and onto the side of the road.

As you approach the remains of the accident - the reason traffic is backed up for miles becomes painfully clear.

As each St. Louis Driver approaches the accident scene - they are hypnotically compelled to slow to almost a complete stop - they’re eyes are drawn as if in a trance to the cars and police cruisers along the side of the road.

Now… the ridiculous part of this is that there is absolutely NOTHING TO SEE. It’s a freakin’ fender bender. Nobody is hurt. Nobody is killed. Nothing is on fire. There is no drama. There is NOTHING TO SEE. Just two cars with minor body damage.
But one by one the St. Louis Drivers slow to a stop and sit upright in their seats - their necks craning like some ridiculous bird - their heads weaving from side to side as they try as hard as they can to get a look at… NOTHING.

You can almost read their thoughts as each moron takes their turn craning their necks and eyeballing the accident scene.

“Any bodies?”
“Any blood?”

“Is anyone hurt bad?”

“Hope I can see some blood!”

“Hope I can see some carnage!”

“Awe crap… no body is decapitated.”

And then they find the accelerator (that’s the long skinny pedal on the right - for all you St. Louis Drivers) and resume their original 75 mph pace.

Beyond the fender-bender - the highway is open and clear and running at normal speed, before the accident is miles and miles of RubberNecks patiently waiting their turn to gawk at… absolutely NOTHING.

Entry Filed under: General